i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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