yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
