You're my little dorito
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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