Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
