Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
