In America we eat man semen.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
