I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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