Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
