I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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