Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
