textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
