I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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