between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
