Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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