He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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