Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
