I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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