Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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