Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
