Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
