i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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