I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Please don't give away my fajitas
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