Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize