Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I want a musical about memes.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize