Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
