the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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