oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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