i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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