I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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