I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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