So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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