Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
