it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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