at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize