Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize