sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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