Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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