i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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