I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
