Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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