true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Never joke about your clitoris.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
