Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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