May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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