he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
