its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
