Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
PANTIES FOUND
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