I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
try to milk me bitch
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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