Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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