when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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