hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Randomize
