Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
