Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Reggie can tackle my bush.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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