listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
