I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
