I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
