dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
